The Spirit of Truth is my Rock and my Teacher, truly, today and if I just suit up and show up, I can prosper. The trustee did end up paying the USAA health insurance after I wrote that last blog. He must have had the Spirit move him or something and 4 days before it was due to be cancelled entirely because it was past due, he paid on August 14th. So I am grateful he paid.

Now it is paid until January and because I made that payment and the other to AmEx, I am way short for rent which is due on the first and my disability comes on the third. I have $199.00 in the bank and my rent is $551.00 which is subsidized because of my disability, which I am desperately trying to overcome. I am trying to be retrained in order to be gainfully employed.

Vocational Rehabilitation will not now pay for more retraining until I get my situation with the trustee in order because every time I make some progress on the vocational front, he pulls some sort of thing and I have to spend countless hours and energy to try to figure out how to jump through that particular hoop. So, now this blog is going to be my journey to financial recovery and I am using the 12 steps and this is a way to do a fearless and searching moral inventory of this money madness.

This will be a log of just how much of a Saviour the Lord Christ is even at the financial level. I am on a journey to a divine economy built upon the Rock and not the shifting sands of a shifty character who wants to destroy my recovery and my credit rating because it is in his best interests, he thinks.

Now I have to show some proof that I paid the USAA myself which I did on August 7th from my bank account. The last thing I want is for him to have access to my bank account, so I will have to somehow figure a way to prove it to his royal untrustworthiness, a Prince who is a Mark-avellian overlord.

By their fruits ye shall know them and his fruits are so riddled with lies to my authorized representative that he is now a lord of the lies, too. So we shall see.

It may just be that he has absinthe poisoning and is hallucinating and in need of treatment. Before he unfriended me on Facebook years ago, I saw he is fond of absinthe, the toxic liquor once outlawed because it can cause mania and madness. So, perhaps he has been afflicted by the Green Fairy and I need to pray, “This is a sick man. How can I best be helpful to him? God save me from being angry.” (from Bill W.’s tome of recovery)

Indeed I can best be helpful by pointing out that even if I am so incapacitated that I need hospitalization as he might like, it would be helpful for him to know that that would concentrate my efforts in an even greater manner. The one time I was in a State psychiatric hospital, I badgered the staff and made enough of a fuss that they had a staff member take me to a private room to pay my credit card payments. Yes, I was in a manic psychosis but I still made my payments from there. Even more to the point, however, is that I become much, much more litigious when locked up. I sit for hours making endless calls to every governmental agency and complain. In Warm Springs I got it so that patients had the right to whatever diet was necessary for them because I wrote out so many complaint forms and the Board of Governors, I believe, came to visit and check things out. I filled out so many of the formal complaint forms and cited the Constitution in writing those complaints, some of the details escape me now.

I am not exactly a passive patient. And I have more access to attorneys, too, in there. God bless his heart, the attorney there was the best therapist for me although I had to make amends for being irate with him at times. At the time, I did not realize that I challenged him because of serious ethical violations by another attorney, which is why I ended up in Warm Springs in the first place.

So that may be the very most helpful thing I can do for the trustee, is to let him know that if he is trying to gaslight me so badly I get committed, I do not just sit in a corner and drool. So, game on, in this, my epic trek to the pit of fiscal Hell where the overlord is a Mark-avelian Prince of Darkness controlled by the Father of Lies. I have my Guide and He has the Son-light of the Spirit of Truth to show me what my part is in this ungodly mess.

I have been codependent and not demanded what I am due by law and that is what I have to face and overcome in myself. I was passive and capitulated in the possible squandering of my inheritance by never demanding an accurate accounting. For this I am making an amends and I will learn to muckrake by “following the money” in this infernal mess I allowed to fester by kowtowing to the overlord/ego and not to my True Lord who is my conscience.

I confess my Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ is come in the flesh. I confess Jesus Christ is the Son of God and that is the true Reality and from there, I will find how He can help me sell all I have and give to the poor and follow Him completely. Today is the celebration of the Queenship of Holy Mary and I have consecrated all I have and am to Her Immaculate Heart and so am Her slave now and must act accordingly. She helped me through college for a reason and continues now with the lifeline to which I cling for dear life of the most holy rosary, binding me to Her Son and my G-d the I AM THAT I AM.

I am tied as well, by the law of the tithe which is about the only thing I have done right in my fiscal disaster. I confess my soul is powerless over this my mess of financial impotence and my life is unmanageable. I can return to sanity through a power greater than myself and I commit myself to the only One who can help through the intercession of the Queen, who entreated Him to perform His first public miracle of changing the water to wine at Cana. “O Jesus, I surrender myself to You, take care of everything….” O Jesus, I trust in You!

The Spirit of the LORD is upon me, it is written and somehow He has shown up, first in my being able to make rent. I thank Jess for that–yes, Jess with whom I spent Christmas and whose gift of himself from beyond, I am grateful for, as well as his new Master.

I’d hidden away the last $30 I was paid to feed Jess for the month, feeling I may need the cash someday. Cash is a rare commodity for me, as I live in a House of Cards. By law, Special Needs trust recipients cannot have direct access the the trust monies at all, ever. I now see it as my unique ability to navigate through a maze of landmines the trustee has strewn in my path.

I did make rent this month and I have paid the two bills he was supposed to pay but did not. I still have the American Express Gold card and made the payment of $777.77 which I put on that card because the trustee was late paying my Chase Visa and so I put this month’s charges on the AmEx Gold, forgetting it has a high minimum payment. Because he was late with the Chase payment I had to pay the minimum myself and that made me short for the rent due on the first which I need to save from the previous month’s disability money which comes on the third. So, here we go in Splendid High finance!

I also made the payment for my USAA Health Insurance which the trustee decided not to pay. Of course, this is not so necessary because after all, I do have a legal disability and why O  why would I need health insurance? It was a coup to begin with because for a limited time those of us with Medicare because of disability were offered insurance in the private market and I jumped at he chance because it was my path out of public assistance entirely. The trustee is not in favor of that, evidently.

He also wants to ruin my credit rating so I have to default on my credit cards and declare bankruptcy. This would be a double win for him: I would be beholden to him and have to bow and scrape to him and it would show me up because I dared to say that I did not go into bankruptcy when my mother said I should, but his wife had and I made the mistake of pointing that out. My ex-finance had me give him cash advances on my credit cards and then stopped paying. I know, it was insane of me to trust a man with felonies including armed robbery, whatsoever. Live and learn. I do not have much trust left and I wonder why? I am not in the slightest bit interested in being involved with a man ever again (nor a woman, for that matter). It takes the Lord Himself and true saints to put up with me and give me real help and learn to trust in what is real.

It is a comedy for me now, actually. It makes me smile that Jess showed up to help me in spirit.

Yes, I live in a House of Cards of my own making and I take responsibility for that, as I did when the ex stopped paying. I learned to negotiate with the card companies and slowly built back my credit over time.

The trustee knows I am happy with the fact that I have the kind of credit I do while having disability from bipolar disorder, which is known for giving people poor impulse control and “manic spending.” So, he must destroy this small victory any way he can, just for spite.

I am okay with that and he can try all he wants. I already know I can negotiate with the credit card companies because I have done it before. They all know what I am going through with the trustee because I have kept them informed over the years.

For today, I do have a conscience and that means I am a happy camper. He may have ripped off my inheritance, but I have my true worth in my Father who loves me and who has not abandoned me and sent His Son to save me and teach me what I did not learn from the Ritter family: the golden rule.

If I were the trustee, I would want to be shown and warned that this will not work out well for him in the end. He may get away with stealing on Earth forever, but in the end, it will not work out well. It just won’t. I didn’t make the rules. I did not learn the Big 10 in the Ritter household and the one thing I was given that my parents left and that is it–nothing else they left me of tangible objects, if anything whatsoever because I have not seen a will nor have I been given the amount I was left– is the family Bible, which was hardly opened. Note to trustee, there is one of those 10 Rules in there: Thou shalt not steal. It is what is called a mortal sin.

You may be the Bernie Madoff of Special Needs Trusts, O trustee, but at least Bernie is fortunate to get some time to repent. You may not be that fortunate because you may just get away scot-free and no one will ever stop you.

Some day you will have to meet the Judge, though. Hope you are ready…Have fun until then because I cannot stop you and no one can and no one cares enough to try. Have a great rest of your life, bro…I love you forever because I totally forgive you and I am free because of it and my love is expressed by letting you be who you are completely, free of me. I tried to make you accountable but I failed, it is way beyond me…

You told me on Christmas a few years ago what burden I am and so now you get to be free of me…go celebrate with your family because they get to see what a great family man you are and such a fantastic provider…

As for me and my house (and horse), we will serve the LORD…